Saturday, May 4, 2013

Vegetarian Vampires (and other "special" monsters)

Imagine a set of gag monsters, that could be included in stories for outright slapstick, or which in slightly altered versions of what I propose could provide some needed comic relief. Such as a vampire who has the standard hollow fangs—but uses them to impale rinds and drink from citrus…and who turns into a fruit bat instead of a vampire bat. Perhaps this sort of vampire could be blonde and always have a deep rich tan (from sleeping in a tanning booth, of course).

Naturally, such a creature would tend to wear white—or maybe really bright colors, like yellow or orange…and would drive a lime-colored VW beetle or something. And work out a lot…and wear spandex…(or perhaps earth tones? Live in a cabin? And recycle everything?)

Imagine a less-than-successful supervillain trying to create a zombie virus and discovering in clinical trials (‘cause you’d have to try it out first, right?) that nearly everything about the virus works as planned…it does turn people into shuffling idiots, highly pain tolerant and resistant to damage, it is highly communicable and fast-acting—with one relatively minor defect. Instead of craving brains, these zombies crave watermelons…

Which doesn’t mean you couldn’t have a scary moment there, the protagonist stumbling into a room of demented creatures, eyes fixed in maniacal stares, groaning and grunting in the stupor of a single lust for one thing only, their mouths dripping red, their hands covered in red pulpy goo…Er…wait a minute—is that a watermelon?

Or a mummy from an extremely impoverished Egyptian dynasty…yes, the mummy comes back from the dead with a plan to take over the world…but he’s only got three guys working for him, one them with a peg leg, one with no teeth, and one pretty much like the zombies mentioned above (except he craves pomegranates)…And a much reduced ability to perform acts of magical power. So, he could produce a sandstorm with a face like the one from the 1999 mummy movie—except the face this mummy could produce in the storm would not even be as big as his actual face…the storm, an annoying little dust devil…maybe the little face could growl and shout, like a little dog launching itself onto a leather boot…

Werewolves that turn into puppies…or fluffy poodles? Skeletons who love to tickle—or who play the “bones” of a piano? A dragon who works in the basement of an old brick building…not as the maintenance man, but as the furnace…?

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